Crush...

I’m not quite sure if this will go on the blogspot blog or not, and it most certainly won’t go on the FA blog. I want to write about it, however, as I need to honor the feelings, as well as think them through.

I usually crush on women. I’m happy with BB, and with our marriage, but every so often a man comes along that I totally crush on. It happened with C (starting in 1991, still there, but not as pronounced), it happened with BB himself (which took us both two years to come out of our shells and admit), and it happened with a co-worker of BB’s. I, of course, told BB immediately with the coworker. I couldn’t think straight around the man. All I could do was stare, which was not terribly becoming, I’m sure. I told BB, but I never told the subject of my crush. It wasn’t appropriate, after all.

I’ve been very flustered by men, for instance, ones with English accents, but I’m fine when they’re not talking! I don’t crush on them; I just have a weakness for the accent. I’ve been known to feel weak when a hot man was in the room, especially if he happened to be wearing a tie (silly fetish, I know), but again, I can, within a few minutes, at least, carry on a decent conversation. The crush is different. It’s more than just a weakness for one small thing like that. It’s a total doe-eyed, can’t think of a damn thing to say that won’t make me trip over my own mouth, stuttering, crush. Which makes me look really silly, sitting in a group with people, not saying a WORD to anyone at all. A few words every so often, but mostly not to the crushee. I had to wait until later to say anything other than hello, answer a few questions with very short answers, and then say goodbye.

This time, however, I think the subject of the crush knows of interest, but I'm not sure he knows of the crush. The crush is quite surprising, as I didn’t really even THINK of him in that way until quite recently. I had talked online, been in conversations, etc, but hadn’t even realized 1. that he was in the same town (D’oh!), 2. that he was interested, or 3. that I was interested in him!

Well, I’ll see what happens this time. I’m not going to sit by shyly while my life passes me by anymore. Hell, I’ll even post this!